Barely Holding On

My great grandma just passed. We all knew it was coming very soon. It still hits me though that is was way too soon. I've been alternating from crying my eyes out and feeling numb. I'm trying to keep busy and stay distracted, but I'm barely holding on to my sanity. I want to yell and scream and break things. Why did she have to go so soon? She's with my great grandpa though. I know she really misses him. I know I do. I hope she's at peace where she is. I know she's at peace where she is. She was always a happy and caring woman that I know couldn't be anywhere but heaven. I don't know if I believe in heaven, but if it exists she's definitely there. Maybe sitting with her husband and watching down on us all hoping we can make it through this. She wouldn't want me crying, I know this, but I can't help thinking of all of my memories of her and wishing we could make more. I'll see her again one day. I love you Gigi. I miss you already...

Divorced

The earliest memory I can think of is sitting in the back seat of a car listening to my parents scream and fight with each other. They've been divorced for about ten or so years now. It use to bother me a lot. I went through the whole, "Is this my fault?" thing. I don't either though. I'm old enough to understand that it was something to do with their relationship with each other, not me. Them being apart and me having two homes doesn't bother me too much. Yeah, I wish I could be able to do things on the weekends with my friends like "normal" kids instead of having to go and visit my mom and her two kids with her husband, but I try to make it work and for the most part it does.

What I don't like is how they continue to treat each other. When they decided to divorce each other they promised to stop fighting. They never really did. The past few years they have started to not only bad mouth each other not only around me, but too me as well. This really bothers me because I love them both so much. When you hear someone talk badly about someone you love you get upset and when the person you also love is doing the bad mouthing, it makes everything so confusing and hard and painful. I wish it would all stop.

Bad Times

A boy a year below me killed himself recently. I didn't know him. I can't remember passing him in the hallways. I can't remember hearing his voice as we went about our days in school. Now I never will. It's really sad. I don't understand why I am so sad and depressed about the death of a boy I've never met or been in contact with. Maybe it'd because I know how he feels. Or, maybe I don't. I don't know why he did what he did, but he must have felt alone. I feel alone.
"What's depression like," he whispered.
 "It's like drowning, except you can see everyone else around you breathing."
I've never read anything truer. There's another quote I've seen though. "Depression is like war, you either win or die trying." I'm going to win. I'm not going to give up or give in to my feelings of drowning in my suffering.

My Saturday Night

I don't think there's anything more relaxing than being in comfy clothes and just being lazy and relaxing on weekend night. Translation: I have no life and no way to hang out with friends tonight so I'm watching anime by myself. Not that I'm complaining. ;D

Yamato from Say "I Love You"

Can we please talk about how attractive this guy is? I mean... he IS a anime character, but still... come on guys/gals we've all had cartoon/anime/book/etc character crushes before. Don't judge ;)

Cosplay and Conventions

So, as mentioned in my Little About Me list, I mentioned that I love anime. This character, Mikasa Ackerman, is from Attack On Titan. I plan on cosplaying her soon hopefully. The cosplay will be a bit expensive though. Hopefully I can get a job!

This is Tamaki Suoh from Ouran High School Host Club. I'm currently getting the cosplay for him. :3 I'm going to be cosplaying as him at Evillecon in Indiana next month. I'm so freaking excited!!!! It will only be my second convention. Last time I cosplayed as Grelle Sutcliff from Black Butler. I have so many memories from that convention. Maybe I will post the video I made of all of the photos later.... 

Distracted

I got new glasses yesterday, but I haven't worn glasses in a few years. It's taking me a while to get use to them. The left side is heavier than the right and so they keep leaning. It's driving me insane! I really do love them though. I didn't realize how bad my eyes were until I got them. I think I have to get them readjusted though. UGH.